Why I write.

 

“I write to keep my demons at bay. A wave of chaos threatens to consume my mind. I will not let it.” – L. A. Vockins.

 

I have felt compelled to write this post for a while now, but have only recently found the courage to go through with it. I’m afraid this may be a deep post, but it will be a view into who I am, under my armour of fiction. So, the reason why I write? I feel that writing is my calling. It’s a constant urge that I cannot quell. But more importantly, I write to remain myself, to feel a sense of achievement and to occupy my mind. I have suffered from mental illness for what feels like my entire life. I won’t go into too much detail on this, as the truth is, I am still going through treatment to discover my true demon. Of course, I have a lot to thank my family and friends for, in terms of support. But writing has always been that one thing that I feel keeps me anchored. Maybe it’s the amount of focus that is required to write stories, that keeps my mind distracted and occupied. Maybe it’s ability to create worlds and people that are not my own and me.

Sometimes I feel like I am falling down a dark hole, and when I hit the bottom, there will be no escape. My fear of reaching the bottom is what keeps me doing what I love. One of the first stories that I ever wrote, The Creature Named, was actually about my battle with my mental illness. It wasn’t very well written, of course, but its meaning was there. It was about someone with a creature on their back, that clung on and wouldn’t let go. I think that this is a good analogy for mental illness. It does feel like a constant weight on your back. It feels like on overshadowing darkness that is always towering over you. It is a battle that you must fight every day, to get on with life.

I’m sorry if this post is a bit of a ramble. An incoherent mesh of words. Maybe getting this somewhere for everyone to read will cure that itch that I have to share my thoughts on this. I know that this has been a bit doom and gloom, but allow me to share some light. Although I fight to relieve my issues, I am in a way thankful for them. They make me myself, and they make me different. As a writer, they help me create the dark and the strange without struggle. It has recently been brought to my attention that a lot of my work has underlying tones of mental illness. I personally can’t see it, but maybe that’s because that’s just how my mind has accepted things.

I guess in a way, this post isn’t just to help myself, but perhaps to help others too. For those of you that suffer from mental illness, and haven’t sought the help you need, know that there is plenty out there for you. From doctors to family and friends, to councillors to support workers, please just reach out for someone to talk to. Talking is the first step that you need to take to recovery. If you are not feeling yourself, do not hold it in, reach out for help. In the darkness, you can always find light.

Thank you all for reading. Just by following my blog and reading my stories, you are supporting me more than you’ll ever know. I’m not normally very good at bearing my soul, I’ve become very good at hiding my feelings, but there it is. Even as I write these words, I feel a sense of ease. If I can ever help any of you in any way, let me know. Whether it’s about writing or mental health or you just want to chat, I’m here. I’ll probably hover over the publish button for a while now…

 

(On another note, I will not be posting next week. I will be on holiday! I will return very soon. Feel free to leave me nice comments, I’ll respond when I return. 😊)

17 comments

  • Writing is a good way to keep the mind healthy indeed, but don’t forget to be social sometimes, too 🙂 Have a splended vacation, and keep writing 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  • Teared up a little reading this! I’m glad you gave us the honest reason for writing and you’re very talented so I hope you keep going 💛 oh, and have a lovely holiday!

    Liked by 1 person

  • You’re amazing. I Just wanna leave this ‘❤️’ Here. X

    Liked by 1 person

  • don’t mind those people who tell you they can sense a mental illness underneath the words. those who tell you that are probably those who are searching for an illness. fantasy writing is all imagination, be it horror, romance, or just plain fantasy, it’s our ability – of a healthy mind – to be able to create and envision another reality, one that we writers try to explain on a blank page. if someone can’t see it, it’s their problem, maybe even a fault in the writing, but never a sign of mental illness. do what you love always, and never, never change whats comfortable to you to please others. enjoy your vacation.

    Liked by 3 people

  • I salute you for your honest words, words that I absolutely feel. You have grasped the core of writing, as I view it. Keep writing to sustain your soul and talent.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Thank you for sharing. I’m in agreement with authorsinspirations about opinions about your writing being deemed to have undertones of mental illness, ie not to take any notice. Personal conflict, the stuff us writers have to use, is tied up with personal struggles in the story, not matter what the genre is. This is life, and so is inner conflict. I pondered on this recently, because a reviewer of my book thought my two sister characters were ‘weird’ and were taking too long to solve their problems. This bothered me because these two sisters came from me and one of them particularly so, so the reviewer was kind of calling me weird! More contemplative arty aquaintenances loved the characters, and understood where they were coming from, so it is all about who is doing the reading and where they are coming from. Having told myself this, i’m over it now!

    I’ve also had midlife depression, and had some great counselling, did lots of reading (still do) and it keeps me on the track I want to be on. I do some volunteering in social care, and the mental health area is what I find the most rewarding.

    Wishing you all the best, L.A. Vockins, and hope you had a great holiday!

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s good to know that I am not the only one that felt bothered by such thing. I am pleased that people are leaving me comments like these, it’s making my healing process easier. I am sorry to hear that you have also suffered, but am glad to hear that you are okay. I start my next round of counselling on Wednesday, hopefully it helps this time. Thank you very much for your comment, it means a lot to me. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  • Popped by to thank you for the follow. This is a great piece. I think that urge to write that we all experience is linked to our need to explain those aspects of our personalities that we believe to be different from others.

    Liked by 2 people

  • Pingback: An Update Of Me And Writing. – L. A. Vockins

  • Pingback: My Writing Journey So Far. – L. A. Vockins

  • I read your post and it shadows my life. My mental illness has been ongoing most of my life. Talking to my therapist and writing help me feel I’m okay. The nightmares and PTSD made me feel helpless with no end, but again my therapist makes me feel I can do anything.
    The feeling of darkness sometimes gets into my writing but I use all the negative and stigma of mental illness to give strength to characters, sometimes they guide me.
    I appreciate you allowing your followers and friends to get a glimpse of you and how you stand up for mental illness and all the places anyone can receive help.
    I wholeheartedly agree no one should ever be ashamed if they suffer with mental illness at any degree.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I’m so pleased to see people talking more openly about the subject. I feel that it not only helps me, but others too. I’m glad that therapy has helped you, as much as it is helping me. I also suffer from PTSD, so I know that it’s a horrible thing to deal with. It’s early days yet, but I certainly feel that I am improving with every week, now that I have got the help that I need. Thank you again for your kind comment.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.