My Chaotic Mind – Of Who I have Become.
“That is where we were. The beginning is of no use to us now, so I will tell you of the middle, and one day… one day I will return to you and tell you of the end.”
It’s funny how sometimes the fiction can bleed with the reality. I guess the workings of fiction truly is an extension of our mind in the time of writing. It’s a scream of the subconscious, a roar of the absolute conscious. The quote above is from my most current work in progress (Chronicles of the Awakened: The Bound). I won’t delve too deeply into the moment of the quote, but rather why it has resonated from somewhere deep within that dark depth of my chaotic mind.
“That is where we were. The beginning is of no use to us now…”. Although not entirely true when we take it out of the context in which it was written, there is still truth to it when we apply it to life. True, our past ultimately adds to the determination of who we are. The good. The bad. The mistakes. The triumphs. We learn from everything in spite of its outcome. The only object of importance there is the lesson, not the memory. The memory is something that we own. We can change it to suit us. Make it comfortable. Familiar. Never let a memory consume you. Morph it at your every whim. The memory isn’t an absolute just because it is a thing that has already happened. Physically, perhaps… mentally, not so much. But the lesson it taught you. Never forgot the lesson.
This is relevant to me, as I’m sure it is to many of us. My biggest flaw over the past few years has been forgetting the lessons that I’ve learnt and letting those memories of the past consume who I am. Stagnation. My biggest flaw. I became stagnant to a point that I ran on automatic. I used to opt for convenience over enjoyment. An endless cycle of the mundane, menial and routine. Is that life? Is that what this impossible form was placed on this impossible planet to do? I think not. That is not who I am or who I am supposed to be, and that is not who we are or who we are supposed to be.
Fear… my second biggest flaw. I have been afraid to do what I have wanted to do with my own life. I have been afraid to follow my calling. My purpose. Purpose… that’s an important word. Without purpose, what is the meaning? Do we blindly stumble through this limited time? You can… but then what is the point in this? It is possible to breath and not feel alive. It is possible for this heart to beat without ultimate understanding or reason.
It’s important to know our flaws. “Knowledge is power,” they say. It’s true. With the knowledge of our flaws we can overcome them. We can learn from them. Yes, they make us unique, but what if they are in our way? Could I be a writer if I once again settled for a stagnant existence and feared that everything wrote would be hated. I couldn’t. They are traits that can be removed. It’s not easy but is anything that is worth doing truly easy? Be determined… determined to remove anything that’s in your way, even if it’s something from within.
“… so I will tell you of the middle.” This is where we are. The middle. The journey to the end goal. The steppingstones that lead to the ultimate conclusion of who we are. It’s hard work. It’ll sometimes take grit and blood and tears to get to where we want to be, but it’ll be worth it. Imagine your ideal life and work toward it. Purpose. That word again and all its absolute significance. We all have purpose, it’s just a matter of finding it. It’s there somewhere… in the dark, lurking. You are the only light that can illuminate its meaning.
That leaves us with… “And one day… one day I will return to you and tell you of the end.” And that is exactly what I will do. I will tell you of my triumphs and failures. I will tell you of the good and the bad. I will tell you of the tears that I shed, the blood that’s bled and the grit that I endured. But in the end, ultimately, I will succeed.
You see, I used to think this was the answer. To be become a creature of my former self. A creature that had become toughened by the past, numb to emotion and driven by instinct. I now know that wasn’t to be me. I am a man of the creature I became. I think we have to become that creature sometimes. That creature that can endure what we cannot. But never forget what’s beneath that hardened shell. Never forget who you are. You can be tough, but at the same time be kind. You can be cold, but at the same time love. Balance is the key. The dark and the light.
All this brings me to of who I have become. I have become someone that I never thought was possible. Someone that can achieve. Someone that can endure. Someone that can inspire. I always thought less of myself, but now I know that I am more… so much more. I stand above those demons that once thought they could bring me down. I now know what I want from this life and I will grasp it with everything that I am, and I will never let go. I am capable… as are we all. This life is yours. Take it. Wield it.